I’m sorry

Posted by on Sep 15, 2013 in blog | 0 comments

I absolutely hate hate hate writing or thinking negative. I certainly dont want to bring anyone I know and love down. I dont want to make my dear family and  friends worry. I want to say I am doing so much better.

I can’t say this.

Everything is motivated by pain the last few weeks.

Unbearable excrutiating unrelenting…

I spend most the days and nights praying for relief. I try to sleep to sleep through the pain, I try to exercise or move to work out the pain, I watch television or do puzzles to try to take my mind off the pain. I meditate to release pain.  I reluctantly eat so I can reluctantly take a prescription drug to inhibit the pain receptors in my brain…hating to quiet the yells for help by my brain…obviously telling me something is wrong and I am clueless how to help and what to do.

Is it the MS? Im unsure these days if there is even MS. Maybe its Lymes disease? Maybe its something else entirely.

I went to the doctor last week, he is the state appointed poor mans doctor who besides not speaking english does not seem to be anything more than a triage nurse.  In his broken english he gives me drugs and tells me to go to the ER or accept the pain as normal aging process.

I am doubled over unable to do anything but writhe and wimper. This isn’t normal aging pain. Nobody would get to the age of 45 if this were the norm.  I applied for state assistance so I can go to a functional medicine doctor or find a good doctor, get physical therapy?…Ive spend hundreds of hours on the phone on hold and getting passed around like a hot potato. They say it’ll be through any day, they’ve said this since June 6th.

I do not think the ER will know what to do with me. Most likely give me more drugs.

I am unsure what to do.