Knowing Fear

Posted by on Apr 11, 2013 in blog | 4 comments

Knowing Fear

It’s a day at a time. That may never change. But, Im ok with that. What else is there?  dreams, hopes, fears, worries, nothing really….

Did you ever get the feeling that sometimes life beats you on the head until you can do nothing but surrender?

Fear is a funny one. I had an experience many years ago where my red eye flight from buffalo to san antonio was almost hit by a russian satellite reentering the atmosphere. (no, really.)  The pilot thought it was a meteor. The handful of people on the flight (including me) thought we were dead.  Ironically, I was reading a chapter in a book about dying when the pilot first mentioned something “of interest” outside the window. The book was saying how death is such a natural part of life and certainly nothing to be afraid of and I was thinking “well, that’s just silly”.  When I looked out that window and saw that giant ball of white fire and the trail of blue flame….I thought it was the most magnificent thing I’d ever seen.  I had such an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. I remember thinking “If only I could communicate to my family how okay I am with this.  I am not afraid. Everything really is ok.”

That happened almost twenty years ago.  I didn’t die.

I often try to revisit the memory to reassure myself that everything really is ok.

A few times since then I had faced death in other situations. In each circumstance having the realization that again I am not afraid to die.  So here I am realizing I am not afraid to die.  This realization made me conclude that I have no fear.

nope.

not so.

There was a point about 9 months ago where I couldn’t breathe. My chest was being squeezed (like a boa constrictor had me in its grasp) I had no idea what was happening to me. (called the “MS Hug”) My hands weren’t working, my legs super wobbly.  Extreme pain over my entire body. Weird electrocution feelings running through my skin and muscles…Now  I was losing my breath.  I was scared.  That was fear…that thing I was sure I didn’t have.

My faith has been so strong my entire life.  Not even just faith…. a Knowing.  I see my blessings and can’t conclude anything else.  In my head and in my heart I know.

I realize of course this is where it gets tricky to share.

Every single individual has their very own unique experience and expression of  this.

Is there a dichotomy of fear? maybe on one hand you can know everything is ok…but on the other hand when that lion is just about to bite your bum you worry.  Don’t really understand it myself.  I guess that makes sense…Instinct etc.

I once read somewhere about a person who wasn’t afraid of dying but was afraid of living.

That I understood.